Check-In with a loved one today.
It’s been two months since Clay took his life. I’ve been asked all sorts of questions since his death. But, before I answer some of those questions, I want to first touch on the subject of suicide.
I am a pretty spiritual person, Clay knew this about me right away. Spiritual growth in my everyday life is very important to me. I’ve struggled with lessons in life for longer periods of time than I would have liked, but understood it was my journey to experience. This current journey is just another one of those paths my soul is taking. We all have free will and Clay chose his path without consulting me or anyone who loved him dearly. My brother also took his life 18 years ago. Clay knew about this as well. When I try to talk to people about suicide, I want to share that there may be a reason, but at the end of the day the reason really doesn’t matter. I honestly believe that if you look at the bigger picture, each life, such as Clay’s, is here to show us more. Clay and I experienced love, REAL love, and everything that went with it, and this was the bigger picture I saw. I am now at peace that he is gone, and that I will never get to see him again, in the physical sense. That I won’t get to count or look at all the freckles on his body. That I won’t get to fill some of my bucket list wishes with him. Yes, I have found that peace, knowing that he would still want me to carry forward with my dreams and that he, in the spiritual sense, is still by my side. Suicide, in my opinion, is ultimate freedom and he is now free from his chains.
Now onto the questions. Some are uncomfortable, some are odd, some are just hard to answer as I don’t have an answer. I’ve been asked “Why did Clay take his life?” All I can say is I don’t know exactly, I just know that the last kiss he gave me was his good-bye to me. I know that a week before he died he was exhausted, both mentally and physically. He couldn’t see that bigger picture, but he shared what he had with me and I am forever grateful. I’ve been asked “Will you ever date again?” My first feeling was “I hope so”. I think what people forget is the companionship that is shared between you and your love one. That has been ripped away from me. Clay will always be a part of my life, but I am still alive and have lots of love to share with whom ever crosses my path. I miss all the normal parts of a relationship, just like anyone else would. In time when “I am ready” I will share my life with someone pretty kick ass. Remember I am still alive and I still have lots to share. Lastly, I am been asked if I am keeping Bailey. YES, HELL YES, and YES again! Bailey is both of ours. I am not sure why this would even pop up, but once again I didn’t die and Bailey is my life and I’ll take just as good of care of him as I did when Clay was still here. I will take him everywhere with me, as much as I can.
I am grateful I can share the love Clay and I had for one another with others. I am grateful to have gained a larger family – an amazing gift from Clay. I am doing well. I am living life literally one day at a time; some days with tears, some with more smiles than tears, but I am living and that is a gift I am very grateful for. I believe in living a full life, even more so now that Clay is gone. Be love and “Check-In” with the people who mean the most to you.